I forgive myself. For doing what I had to for me. I forgive myself for being untrue to me, for not being honest with you and allowing us to wither and fall apart. I forgive myself for wanting more from life and for believing in love again. I forgive myself for leaving those that care for me so that I could learn to care for myself. I forgive myself for all those that I've hurt, willingly and unwillingly. I forgive myself so that I can move forward.

So much change...

I had such a great day with you. Coffee in the morning, then a great movie in the afternoon, and then on to a delicious French dinner. But it was on the way to dinner that the mood suddenly changed... You were feeling anxious about the pain you were feeling in your shoulder, and it was making you uncomfortable. As we walked to the restaurant, I started to feel what you were feeling, and it overcame me. I realized that whatever you were experiencing with your pain had been transfered to me, strangely I had taken it from you. You told me how much better you were feeling and then you asked me if I was ok. We talked it out, how anxious I'm feeling about the upcoming changes in my life, the new apartment and everything. You told me that you would support me in any way you could, and it felt so good to believe you. And then the fear passed... We just enjoyed each other's company, then went back to your place to watch Sex In The City. I love getting closer to you, being so comfortable with you, lying together and holding you, gently kissing your lips and playing with your whiskers with my tongue and mouth. You mentioned how much you love those moments, and how relaxed and calm you felt. And I love hearing that I can do that for you.

I put my...

I put my arm around you

pushing myself up against your back

You use my feet as your platform

sighing with acceptance

I turn you over

slipping my tongue in your mouth

you moan and offer up your lips

eyes closed

kissing softly

you tell me

I can't leave...

Yesterday was a better day... I realized that my reaction to things not going my way can be quite immature and destructive at times... Bad patterns that I'm trying to change so that this new relationship has a chance to grow. He came over last night, and we had dinner and watched a movie in my room. It's so cozy and comfortable when he's here with me. In the middle of the movie things got hot and heavy... so nice. I love the way I respond to his kiss, to his touch, to the way his mouth feels on me... I love hearing his little moans, and feeling his body tense up and then release. He is so beautiful. And I can't wait until next week when I can spoil him for his birthday...

Today I felt put off

So usually we spend Tuesday nights together, I cook or pick something up, we watch tv and then I spend the night... But tonight you said that you needed to try and get some rest, as you haven't been sleeping well... I had made dinner for us, but I didn't make official plans with you, and that was my fault. It still hurt, though... And I hate that my insecurities play so strongly into this. You have your issues, and I have to learn to deal with them, or... I get to the point that I can't take it anymore and I walk away from this. But I haven't reached that point yet, so for now... I suppose I'll have another glass of wine and cry myself to sleep.

the first, and why...

Like everyone on here, I am drawn to the idea of freeing myself, releasing thoughts and ideas that prey within my brain. It's a public documentation of my current path, and what lies ahead. It may prove to be interesting to some, but that's not why I'm doing this. It is my confessional.

More to come...